☆ Aikathiree (xardasse) wrote in innerbeautyx,
☆ Aikathiree

  • Music:

Stamped// Theme

I thought a couple of time if I should participate in this theme..But regardless...These two people are worth every thought and memory.

I don't know where to begin. My two memorials go to my two lost awesome friends.

Jenni passed away 1998. She had leukemia. She had been my best friend since I was a kid, we went to school together, high school together, shared everything with each other. She was there when I had my first 'kiss' with a boy from kindergarden. "Ten more" she cheered.
In 1996 I moved out of town and we only saw on weekends. Soon after that leukemia was diagnosed. I didn't want to think that our friendship changed, but it did. I distanced myself from her and didn't see her as often as I could have. here was always something 'else' to do when I should have been there to support her. In Jan 1998 she was weaking fast..And in March she passed away.
I am still in the belief that I was the weak one, too weak to go see her when she needed a friend.

Her death had a huge impact on me, the emotional turmoil I dealt with esp since I kicked myself on the head for missing several times to go see her when she was still there. Oh the regrets. She was my best friend and I hope she considered me to be hers till the end even tho I do believe I failed her big time. I can also only hope that she knew that I loved her like a sister I never had. Unfortunately, as I said, I was too weak to go see her because I was too afraid to see her wither away. I couldn't stand it.
Memories are still there.

This wound is still fresh, only two years old. Päivi was my age, bipolaris which we thought she's winning against. She seemed to be doing better and the last night we spent together with a bunch of friends drinking coffee and gossiping in the way chicks usually do. Päivi was the lovely herself, laughing and smiling. But I am glad my memories of her are just of those. Memories of her laughing and smiling. I do not know what happened inside her after she left, maybe it was something she had planned..or just an impulse.
She had taken all her medication and drank them down with wine. She was found dead in the morning by her mother.
Still I wonder why she didn't talk to us or anyone else. And still it angers me when thinking about what she did. After her death I was very depressed for months as well. It was a rough year as whole since I had just broken up a long term relationship with my fiancee.

I still miss her and again I couldn't help but feel guilt for what happened. Sorry I couldn't see it. So sorry..I can only take comfort in that I hope that she found what she was looking for.
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